This weekend in Portland, kind of made me a little insecure with myself. I don't know if it was the fact I was meeting a bunch of family for the first time, it was my first wedding as the photographer, the family was so concerned about if I liked them, or I was on my period. Note: Wedding and periods don't mixed very well.
Many people are under the impression that I like to have attention on me all the time. The truth is I don't. yes, I am out going, loud and I know how to have a good time but I am not one that will be the center of attention all the time. I would rather be in the back ground and be noticed from across the room than be on stage with a spot light on me. I hope that makes sense.
Back to this wedding. I knew meeting his family would mean there are going to be expectations of the two of us getting married. It is only of those things that I would like to have but I am so scared of fucking everything up. My fear is that I am going to become one of those controlling house wife, or I lose myself and becoming one of those submissive wives either.
That is one thing in a marriage that I don't want and that is the expectation and the complacesantsy of doing everything. There are sometimes now that I think Chris get complacent but I don't say anything. I just don't know how I really feel about doing the same thing all the time and Chris is one that is a home body. I like going out with me because it's fun and we have good time but he likes to relax at home and I don't.
There is also another thing that I worry about if Chris and I get married that means he does become that step father figure and from our conversation in the car, I am worried. We were talking about how His sister has her husband to help with their daughter and how our friends are staying together. I don't have that male counter part to help me with the boys and it doesn't make me hate them for being together but it does make my jealous. Yes, my boys are not at the age when they need me all the time and I don't need to have a man there to help me raise them but it would awesome to have that person I can share all the miles stones and major parts in their life. They do have a dad but even he has someone to share that with. Chris said he was sorry for not being able to that man that I would like him to be but I never asked him to be that guy.
I know it hurts him when I say this but it still feels that my kids are hold us back. The same feeling comes back that I have two things that I love so much but he does not want. I love him for the fact that he is getting over this and becoming more and more comfortable with them and making a damn good effort to accept it but it's when he says he is sorry that he can't be that guy that I need, it makes me sad, because it make him feel that he is letting me down.
Chris has never let me down in any way. He has been more than what I deserve and I would never ever want him to think that he hasn't stepped up to the challenge. He is a rare thing and that is a good man. That's why I love him so much and hope that he and I do last along time because I don't want anyone else and there is nothing that can change my mind.
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