I want to be persued.

 

I haven't been feeling like myself all that much these days and I am not to sure the reason why.

 

Everyone who knows me, knows I am not very good expressing how I feel. I have had this problem for a very long time and it kills everything. I am usually very blunt about things but when ever people want to me say what I feel, it's like pulling teeth.

 

So when this winter time depression kicks in, I find my self not being the awesome person I usually am. I get bored easily, I don't have that drive any more to go do things, and when I don't I am sleeping all the time. I just don't like who I am become. I find reason not to be happy and taking out on my boyfriend.

 

I tell him that I am getting bored and I know that is what he is fearing because that would be a memo to start leaving, but is the opposite. I have a hard time telling him exactly what I need. I don't know why it is so hard to tell him, that I need to have a night that I feel pretty.

 

I never really thought about how he is going to that. I mean I need to have a date night. Everything that we have done a date night, or gone out it has been because I want to. I don't want to plan another thing. I would like to be surprised. I don't want to know where I am going, all I want is to be told we are going and that I am going to love it. I am just finding out that I need this. I need to feel like the girl, I need someone else do all the planning and give up control a little bit. I want to be pursued and not on a sexual level, more on a emotional and affectionate level.

 

Why is this so hard to say? I guess my fear of becoming that needy girlfriend is a lot greater than I thought. I don't want to ask either because I am so afraid that it's not going to happen. I am also not used to a man that listens.

 

I also don't want to make him feel like I am punishing for what my past boyfriends have done wrong.