I want to have that forever, but even I know forever has an expiration date.

I know I should be sleeping right now but there is so much on my mind. 

I don't have regrets about anything that I have done in my past but there would be some things that I would do differently. I wish that I can trust people, I wish I can be the open person about my feeling like others, but mostly I wish that I can take things for what they are and not wait for everything to fall out. 

People say finding that one person is all anyone really needs and everything else is just bonus. What if finding that one person is what scares you the most? 

Yes, I am in love very much with my boyfriend but there is that constant wondering of where I stand. People have this conversation of what they want in a relationship and what are the boundaries, but I haven't had any boundaries with him. He knows everything about me and he doesn't judge me, he thinks I am funny, and he lets me fly. That is all I wanted from a guy and I now that I have found it everything in my body is screaming for me to run, but my heart, the only thing that has kept through this whole thing, it knows if I ran it would be the biggest mistake I would ever make. 

I am tired of being cautious around him, I am tired of thinking that everything is going to fall apart, but mostly I am tired of stress I put myself through because I am waiting for that conversation that will lead into the end. I am waiting for him to ask for his key back and I am crying because once again, I did something that fucked everything up. 

I blame myself so much about what failed in my past relationship, so I automatically think that I am going to fuck up this one. I don't want to get into anything permanent because of this reason. Being in a relationship makes me more self-conscious than I would if I was single. 

I want to have that forever, but even I know forever has an expiration date. I would like to have that moment that I don't have to have that fear and relax, but I can't seem to have it unless, I am single. So I make good with I have, because it's what I need. 

The thought of something working out in the future scares me so much.  I don't think I could really ever do it, I don't think that I am strong enough to do it.